As I pulled over to the side of the road, I knew I needed to take the call before I lost cell on the country roads. It was my doctor calling, which was a bit concerning. I had just had some of the usual cancer screening tests, and usually the doctor does not call with results.
Something comes back “funny.”
The next clue this was not good news was when he suggested he call back after I arrived at home.
I coaxed the news out of him, and sure enough, a biopsy had come back with cancer.
In fact, dang it became my swear phrase of choice.
Extreme and edgy.
I took my moment to grieve as I headed toward home. I share this next part because I believe it’s important to allow ourselves space to process the hard things. I’m all about faith and directing our thoughts to the hope we have in Christ, AND… I’m all about acknowledging when something just really sucks.
Sorry. I know. Another extremely edgy word.
I pounded the seat next to me and screamed dang it several times. I know the potential life disruption a cancer finding can mean. I know the slippery slope of tests and treatments that can unfold.
I’m sorry, but I just have to say it one more time…
Dang it. This sucks!
After calling Eddie and a close friend, I could finally exhale, allowing myself to begin contemplating how I can go through this well.
How can I walk with Jesus, leaving the results to Him?
I have several possibly-over-simplified steps that are helping me manage my thoughts toward faith, replacing anxiety-filled thinking (and all my slightly-inappropriate language). I’ll be sharing some of these over the next few weeks, but the one I have to start with, my spiritual life-line for front-loading my faith is:
I have a section in my bullet journal where I write down all the ways I see God at work when life gets really hard. Here’s a few ways I’ve tracked Him in this cancer finding:
—My friend, Wendy, texted 3 minutes before the doctor called, asking if all the biopsies came back negative. My phone literally rang after I replied, saying I hadn’t heard anything. God had my friend praying for me, and how amazing is it that He let me know?!
—I was driving home from dropping Olivia off to some friends who asked if she could go roller-skating (pre-quarantine). She wasn’t in the car when I received the news. THAT is a blessing! Not just because I needed a space by myself to hit the seat and yell, but she needs a calm mom reassuring her that God is in control and I trust Him.
—It’s really hard to communicate with our son, Cory, while he is in Basic Training for the army. A couple days after the news, we were traveling to Georgia to see him, and able to tell him in person. His quick response was, “Mom. You’ve been through this before and you are fine. It’s going to be fine.”
Isn’t that so special? I have several more I could add, and even just now, an acquaintance friend texted saying she was praying for me.
I’ve said it before, but…
He’s with us through all of it.
I’ve had my moment of being upset and not liking the news, but now it’s time to move forward with trusting God.
Doing the next thing, and leaving the results up to Him.
There very well could be moments of wanting to use my edgy words, but, dang it…
I’m choosing to look for God and speak words of hope.