I was minutes away from walking out the door, having planned my departure down to the last second. Racing up the stairs one final time, my mind was trying to assimilate what my peripheral vision had captured. Was I imagining things or was our fully decorated Christmas tree leaning forward, slowly inching toward the floor? Really? This was going to happen? Now??
Quickly, I grabbed a ladder, propping it against the tree. Next, I shoved a chair against the ladder, followed by the couch – bracing the chair -bracing the ladder… hoping the reinforcements would hold the tree in place until I (or more likely, Ed) could deal with it.
The scene was like a snapshot of ME, and what I feel God has been working out in my heart. My whole life feels like propped-up chaos!!
I could definitely talk about my continual racing all day, everyday, from activity to activity to appointments with homeschooling thrown in to the mix- all of which has left me in complete disorganization. I’m almost to the point of believing that the only way I will ever be able to claw my way out is to move! Recently I came across a fitting acronym for CHAOS: Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome
Hah! So true.
However, while all the above is more than apparent in my life, God is nudging me to apply a different concept to my leaning Christmas tree object lesson. So… here goes. And, my one request (as my kids would say) …don’t judge me.
Some background: My strategy for beginning a new year is not to write specific resolutions, but rather to name my year. One incredible example of this is from January of 1996; I was childless and lacking in faith. I purposefully christened that year as the “Year of Faith.” I wrote verses on faith, read many books and DAILY surrendered my dreams to God. Before that year was over, God miraculously blessed us with our first child, Jessica. My faith was ENCOURAGED!! It was not a magic formula to force God to come through. The magic was in the surrendering and the focus of my heart.
Fast forward to 2013. This is my “Year of Freedom.” To be free is to be secure in Christ. What would I be capable of if I were truly secure (Beth Moore)? If I really grasped who I am in Christ?
Synonyms of insecurity (or insecure) include instability, hanging by a thread, shaky, un-poised (sounds like my Christmas tree) as well as self-doubt and anxiety. I really thought I was through fighting this formidable foe, yet lately the struggle seems to have picked up some new momentum.
My emotions have literally run amuck with some ridiculous overanalyzing of EVERY interaction I have with people. I am just positive that everyone (Ed and close friends included) finds me annoying and not worth their time. How defeating! Debilitating! And… AM I THAT SELF-CENTERED IN THAT I MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME??
I find it fascinating that since naming 2013 my year of freedom, I’ve been feeling more insecure than ever! And, even more eye opening to me, is that a key synonym of the word security is…FREEDOM. As strange as it may sound, I am very encouraged that I’m on the right track. The intensity of my emotions is reflecting the “heat of my personal spiritual battle.”
God is dealing with me down to the very roots of my issues. He is in the process of removing my emotional props. The craziest part of all of it is this: to be free is to surrender everything. Give up all control. Die to self. Submit to Christ’s authority. THAT goes against every natural inclination. I can’t earn freedom on my own. I can do nothing BUT ….give up! Give it over.
2013 is going to be an unbelievable year for me! I am purposing to stop trying to hold everything in place. While I may feel like I’m free falling, I will keep my spiritual eyes intensely focused on Jesus. He is my support. My protection. My salvation. My security. My FREEDOM!
Timmmmm-berrrrrr. This tree is going down into the amazing, grace-filled arms of Jesus.
2 Corinthians 3:17 “Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM .”