(from a year ago… I wrote this as I was a little more than half way through chemo)

It’s the Monday before my fifth treatment on Wednesday.  My life has taken on this new, abnormal chemo-pattern.  This is the day I begin fighting anxiety and start having “nesting” instincts.  It’s a sort of panic to get everything in order – all my ducks in a row- before the next infusion.  I almost hyperventilate over EVERYTHING.  My poor family has to endure all the stress and flipping out that I do.  By Tuesday night I have worked myself into a frenzy, accomplishing nothing – well, except for bringing a spirit of discouragement to my husband and kids.

I have come to realize that the stress is my way of trying to regain control of my life.  It’s my futile attempt to show that I have a say in how things are going to go.  Our church is currently going through an eight step recovery type emphasis.  The first step, or choice is – realize I’m not God.  The actual confession reads, “I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing… my life is unmanageable.

That statement has so resonated with me.  Everything about my life is unmanageable right now.  I can’t control my health, my family, my schedule, my image, my house… not one thing.  As I realize this, it brings both a sense of freedom as well as fear.  Matthew 5 says, “Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor.” I am admitting that I am powerless to do it on my own.  I am spiritually poor.  I need other people, and I need God.

Now I’m longing for the “happy” part of the promise.  Letting go means letting God.  That’s a tough order for a recovering control freak such as myself.

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Peace is possible in the midst of broken pieces of your life. We can live life by design and create a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness... even in the midst of brokenness. Join me on this journey and sign up to receive blog posts in your inbox.

Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.

Psalm 33:22 (NLT)

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