“Would you like citrus, vanilla, peach, berry or banana?” asked the assistant.
“Excuse me. What?” I confusingly remarked. Most people would not panic at such a tasty list of flavors. For me, it signaled a change in the expected regiment.
I was scheduling a CT scan involving an iv with contrast solution. Just the day before I had been singing the praises of this particular facility because they utilized a tasteless, clear solution to drink before the test. They even served it in a water bottle, making it a cinch to down the required volumes. Now, the rules had changed and it would be back to the thick, yucky barium.
I am such a medical baby! I admire those people that can just “get ‘er done.” I over-think absolutely every step involved in every appointment or test.
“Ummm. Berry. I guess. Oh, and one more thing. Is it possible to schedule an iv specialist? It’s nearly impossible to start the drip on me.” She made the needed note, assuring me they would look into it.
As the call ended, the tears started.
I don’t like the actual process, and I definitely don’t like the what if’s. I am a cancer survivor with the genetic make-up that could easily entertain the deadly carcinogens. The mind games resume, right where they left off at my last medical stop.
I hide out in my not-so-pristine prayer closet, a.k.a. … the laundry room. I press play on my ipod and the praise songs begin. The mindless act of folding and sorting helps me talk to my closest friend. The words of a song capture my attention. “I lay it all down again.” It becomes my prayer; “Lord, I lay it ALL down… AGAIN.” My mind is being renewed as my focus turns to Him. Another line brings such conviction. “You’re all I want.” I am SO far from this! I want a lot!! My growing list of desires and worries plays through my thoughts as I fold the pile in front of me: I want my daughter to dance, I want my son to attend a private Christian school, I want new clothes, I want a fancy vacation. Can I really put God at the top of the list and say, “You’re all I want? Let the chips fall where they may? Do I trust Him enough to put Him first??”
The song ends with one last gracious line. “Help me know you are near.” He is near. I’ve got to believe it and own it.
More surrender. More peace.
Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I’m your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find a way
Bring me back to you
You’re all I want
You’re all I’ve ever needed
You’re all I want
Help me know you are near