Losing Control

(I've stalled long enough.  This begins my cancer story.  Summer 2008…)

It was not what I expected to hear.  What I thought would be a rather low-key doctor appointment had ended with the dreaded word, "surgery."  My head was spinning and the facts were not registering at all.  "Do you have any questions?" …someone seemed to be saying.  Questions?  Yes, what just happened here?  My life was about to be interrupted and no-one had asked me how I felt about that.

A cystic mass was found in my right ovary.  The only option was to remove it (the ovary).  My doctors were not overly alarmed, but a biopsy was needed very soon.  I was devastated – definitely did not see this one coming.

It is always a humbling and, frankly, rather upsetting moment when you realize you are not in control.  What do you do in and with that moment of realization?  Panic?  Cry?  Get depressed – just go to bed and not deal with it?  I have tried all of these choices and none have brought any long-term comfort.

I have learned through many failed responses to trials that the only way to make it is to humble myself before God and express to Him my complete trust in His ability to be in control.  I must again acknowledge His authority in my life.  I will trust His character because He is trustworthy.  I do not want to have surgery, but – I trust God.  If it will be a vehicle which He uses to take me to a deeper friendship with Him – count me in.  If God has a plan to use my current health crisis as a testimony of His unsurpassing greatness – so be it.  I wouldn't want to miss it. 

So, as I sit here today waiting for the phone call to confirm the date of my surgery, I am praying that God will help me get out of His way and allow me to relinquish control over my life.
"For I know the One in whom I trust, and I am sure that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him…"  2 Timothy 1:12 (NLT).

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17 thoughts on “Losing Control”

  1. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat….and I know this story. Your writing is so captivating and your heart is beautiful!! I'll stay tuned for more! 🙂

  2. So weird to go back to that time!!!! It's like it was yesterday but not!What a journey it has been! I am SO HAPPY that you are on this side of it now writing about it!! The past!!!! yay!! God is so good!!love you friend!!

  3. I can't imagine that "is this really happening?" feeling. Having worked in the oncology area at times, I think that cancers are the cruelest of diseases because it's not an injury or infection — it's our own bodies that turn against us.

  4. Wendy, it has been such a mix of emotions writing about all that's gone on these past 2 years. I find myself still saying, "I've been through so much…" but it's really all been okay. Couldn't have made it without you.

  5. Thanks, Steve, for reading along and for your comments. The whole oncology world is a culture of its own. I met so many wonderful people. It would be a hard area to work in because so many don't make it out.

  6. I'm an outsider so was reading not knowing this was coming from the past. Keep the blog coming cause I want to read you story. And I look forward to when you write the book too.

  7. I'm so glad you are reading along. My story has transpired over the last almost 2 years. So it's from the past, but SO fresh on my mind. I have just finished final treatments. Lots to say!

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